Chocula Untold
by Merickson
Summary: The thrilling screenplay.


OPEN ON BLACK

A glowing red title card fades in:

CHOCULA UNTOLD

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE - DAY

A gothic castle towers over medieval houses.

CAPTION: "Flavorvania, Year of Our Lord 1971"

EXT. CASTLE - DAY

The VILLAGERS have excitedly gathered. High above them, a  
HERALD and two TRUMPETERS step out onto a balcony.

HERALD  
Greetings, one and all! I present  
to you Prince Vanillula!

The Trumpeters play a fanfare as lanky, pale PRINCE BRAD  
VANILLULA steps out to greet the cheering crowd.

VANILLULA  
Good morning, my loyal subjects! I  
bid you a happy St. Breakfast Day!

The villagers pump their fists, each one gripping a spoon.  
The Herald wheels a crate up next to Vanillula and opens it,  
revealing it to be full of cereal.

VANILLULA  
Every one of you is welcome to two  
whole servings of Vanilla Almond  
Crunch, with your choice of fruit!

The villagers cheer again and start chanting Vanillula's  
name, but they are cut short when an explosion sends several  
flying into the air.

VANILLULA  
What's that? Who's exploding my  
loyal subjects?

A stallion gallops out from the smoke. Atop the steed rides  
the walrus-'stached, cowboy-hat-wearing WILFORD BRIMLEY.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, bringing  
you an important message from Lord  
Quakerman!

The villagers scream in terror and run for their lives.

VANILLULA  
Sir Brimley, why do you disrupt my  
celebration? Have we not had years  
of peaceful relations with the  
Oattoman Empire?

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
We've gotten word that y'all are  
addin' crap to our pure oats.

VANILLULA  
We agreed to never add any  
processed sugar, and we've honored  
that agreement.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
You been addin' all that fruit an'  
crap. That's a slippery slope. It  
ain't the right thing to do.

VANILLULA  
Would it please Lord Quakerman if  
we cut down on the fruit?

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
You can cut the fruit completely  
out, goddamn it! We will not  
tolerate contamination of our oats!

VANILLULA  
Fine.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
No vanilla either!

VANILLULA  
What?! Guards! Attack!

The castle doors open and a troop of GUARDS marches out.  
Wilford Brimley backflips off his horse, takes a deep breath,  
and exhales a giant fireball that incinerates them all.

VANILLULA  
Shit.

Vanillula pats the Herald's shoulder.

VANILLULA  
I'll be right back.

He runs inside.

HERALD  
Your Highness? Where are you -

Wilford Brimley leaps into the air and lands on the balcony,  
where he immediately grabs the Trumpeters' trumpets in each  
hand and rams them through their heads.

HERALD  
My god!

The Herald turns to run. Wilford Brimley jumps in front of  
him and grabs him by the throat.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Where's your prince hiding?

HERALD  
(choking)  
He's...probably...leaving...the  
castle. Please...spare me...

Wilford Brimley roars like a lion and eats the Herald's head  
in one bite.

BEHIND THE CASTLE

A secret panel in the castle wall slides open and Vanillula  
runs out.

VANILLULA  
God, this sucks!

WILFORD BRIMLEY (O.S.)  
(echoing)  
This castle is ours now!

VANILLULA  
Shit.

He runs into the brush.

EXT. BRUSH - DAY

Vanillula stumbles through bushes and tall grass.

VANILLULA  
"No fruit." "No vanilla." Blah  
blah blah. Big stupid jerk.

A monk, FRANKLIN, leans out from behind a huge tree,  
startling Vanillula.

FRANKLIN  
Hello, Your Highness.

VANILLULA  
Brother Franklin! Wilford Brimley  
invaded my castle!

FRANKLIN  
I know, I heard him. He's very  
loud. You can hide out here with  
me and the other Fruit Monks in our  
secret shelter.

INT. TREE - DAY

Three other monks, BOB, BRUCE, and MANNY, sit inside the  
hollow, lantern-lit tree. Franklin and Vanillula squeeze in  
through an opening.

BOB  
Look, it's the Prince!

BOB/BRUCE/MANNY  
All hail Prince Vanillula!

VANILLULA  
Yeah, hi.

FRANKLIN  
Would you like some fresh fruit,  
Your Highness? I recommend the  
strawberries.

BOB  
Blueberries are the best, though.

BRUCE  
No! My favorite fruit is the best!  
Whatever that is! I forget!

MANNY  
Me too!

VANILLULA  
I'll eat anything, as long as it  
has some vanilla extract injected  
into it.

FRANKLIN  
Oh, I'm afraid we're out of that.

VANILLULA  
What?

MANNY  
We weren't able to get a new supply  
from the castle before the  
invasion.

VANILLULA  
Shit. Well I'm gonna have to go  
get magical powers and get my  
castle back.

Vanillula leaves the tree.

FRANKLIN  
Wait, Your Highness!

EXT. TREE - DAY

Franklin follows Vanillula outside.

FRANKLIN  
Where are you going?

VANILLULA  
Rotten Tooth Mountain, of course.

FRANKLIN  
But that's where the dreaded  
Alcocoamist resides! The evil  
master of dark chocolate arts!  
It's much too dangerous!

VANILLULA  
Sometimes you have to deal with  
chocolate to get vanilla.

FRANKLIN  
What?

VANILLULA  
I must away!

Vanillula marches off.

FRANKLIN  
But we have strawberries!  
Strawberries!

Bob sticks his head out of the tree.

BOB  
And blueberries!

FRANKLIN  
Shut up, Bob!

EXT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - NIGHT

By the light of a full moon, Vanillula climbs the rocky  
slope, lifting himself onto a jagged ledge leading to the  
mouth of a cave.

INT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - CAVE - NIGHT

Vanillula enters the dim cavern.

VANILLULA  
Alcocoamist! I know you're in  
here! I demand you show yourself!

The ALCOCOAMIST, a hooded, cloaked man, lurches from the  
shadows and pushes Vanillula against a wall.

ALCOCOAMIST  
Who are you?!

VANILLULA  
I...I am Prince Vanillula.

The Alcocoamist hurls Vanillula across the cave. Vanillula  
slams into the opposite wall and drops to the floor.

ALCOCOAMIST  
Why have you entered my domain?!

Vanillula staggers to a stand.

VANILLULA  
My castle was taken over by Wilford  
Brimley and the Oattoman Empire. I  
have come to offer you a deal.

ALCOCOAMIST  
What could you possibly offer me?

VANILLULA  
If you help me defeat the  
Oattomans, I will grant you a tract  
of land where you can practice your  
vile wickedness.

The Alcocoamist moves in close.

ALCOCOAMIST  
And what are you willing to endure  
for my help?

VANILLULA  
I would do anything to secure my  
vanilla reserves.

The Alcocoamist pulls his hood back. His head is one big  
block of chocolate fudge. Vanillula winces in repulsion at  
the horrendous sight.

ALCOCOAMIST  
Are you willing to forsake your  
devotion to your precious vanilla  
in order to save it?

VANILLULA  
I...well...do I have to?

The Alcocoamist produces a cereal bowl from his cloak in one  
hand and a dagger in the other.

ALCOCOAMIST  
I spent most of my life harnessing  
the power of the brown sweetness.  
I paid the price for it when karma  
placed this curse upon my head.

He shoves the bowl into Vanillula's hands and slices his palm  
with the dagger. The wound bleeds chocolate syrup, which he  
drizzles into the bowl.

ALCOCOAMIST  
Drink this, and you will obtain the  
power to defeat your enemies.

VANILLULA  
But will I turn into a fudgehead?

ALCOCOAMIST  
No.

VANILLULA  
Okay!

Vanillula drinks the chocolate syrup, then drops to his knees  
clutching his stomach.

VANILLULA  
Oh god! Such a stomach ache! Too  
much sugar! I can't take it!

ALCOCOAMIST  
Yes! Let it flow through you!

Veins bulge on Vanillula's forehead. His hair straightens up  
into two peaks.

VANILLULA  
What's...happening...to...me?

He screams in agony. A brown cape materializes from the back  
of his collar and wraps around him like a cocoon.

ALCOCOAMIST  
Now you shall be reborn as  
something more powerful than you  
could ever imagine!

The cape flies open, and Vanillula shoots to his feet, now  
fully transformed into the one and only CHOCULA.

CHOCULA  
What is this?! I'm a monster!

ALCOCOAMIST  
It's only temporary.

CHOCULA  
Oh, okay.

ALCOCOAMIST  
That is, as long as you can resist  
this.

The Alcocoamist pulls a rock from the wall, releasing a thick  
amber substance that flows into a trench in the cave floor.

CHOCULA  
Corn syrup! Satan's nectar!

ALCOCOAMIST  
Yes. If you can resist ingesting  
it for three days, you'll return to  
your regular vanilla-centric self.

CHOCULA  
All right.

ALCOCOAMIST  
But if you give in, you'll be stuck  
in your new form forever, and my  
curse will be lifted, leaving me  
free to go out in public without  
everyone making fun of me.

The Alcocoamist's fudge-block head suddenly transforms into  
that of a middle-aged man's.

ALCOCOAMIST  
I - Wait, what happened?

He turns to see Chocula on his hands and knees, slurping the  
corn syrup from the trench.

CHOCULA  
Mmm! Oh, sorry. Were you still  
talking?

ALCOCOAMIST  
My curse is lifted! Mwahahaha!

The Alcocoamist transforms into a hail of chocolate raindrops  
that fly past Chocula.

ALCOCOAMIST (O.S.)  
See ya, sucker!

Chocula shrugs. He takes a canteen out and fills it with  
corn syrup.

EXT. ROTTEN TOOTH MOUNTAIN - NIGHT

Chocula walks out from the cave onto the ledge.

CHOCULA  
I'm coming to get you, Brimley!

He bursts into a swarm of bat-shaped marshmallows and flies  
into the sky.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

A horse-drawn carriage approaches the massive front doors.

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT

Wilford Brimley throws open the doors with his bare hands and  
steps aside as the carriage enters.

Wilford Brimley opens the carriage door, and out steps  
EMPEROR REGINALD QUAKERMAN, a man dressed in Colonial clothes  
and sporting luscious white locks.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Welcome to yer new castle, my Lord.

QUAKERMAN  
Very good. I shall add it to my  
list of properties.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
I prepared somethin' in honor of  
yer arrival.

Wilford Brimley walks over to a large curtain and pulls it  
back to reveal the four Fruit Monks, restrained by ropes,  
hanging over four tanks filled with water and mashed fruit.

FRANKLIN  
Let us go, you bastard!

BOB  
You can't do this to us!

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
These here are the miscreants what  
been sullying yer oats.

QUAKERMAN  
Very good. I presume their  
punishment will be severe.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Each'll be drowned in the fruit  
that they specialized in. One'll  
get strawberries, another'll get  
blueberries, and the other two'll  
get...uh, I think limes an' oranges  
or somethin'.

QUAKERMAN  
Splendid!

BRUCE  
Prince Vanillula will save us!

MANNY  
Yeah!

The marshmallow bats fly in through the windows and reform  
into Chocula.

CHOCULA  
Hold it right there!

BRUCE  
See!

QUAKERMAN  
Sir Brimley, is this the prince who  
used to rule this land? You didn't  
tell me he was a wizard.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Fancy tricks won't save you,  
Vanillula!

CHOCULA  
I'm no longer Vanillula. I am  
now...Chocolatula!

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Choco-whoza-what?

CHOCULA  
I'll revise it later! But right  
now it's time for you to die!

Chocula screams and barrels toward Wilford Brimley.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Oh yeah? Well take this!

The ends of Wilford Brimley's moustache aim forward and spray  
Chocula with a blast of brown powder.

CHOCULA  
Oat bran! Nooo!

Chocula turns back into marshmallow bats, which fly around  
erratically.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Oh no you don't.

Wilford Brimley grabs the ends of his moustache and adjusts  
them like a hose nozzle, sending a torrent of oat bran into  
the air.

The bats shriek in a high-pitched version of Chocula's voice.

BAT #1  
Oh god!

BAT #2  
It burns!

BAT #3  
I can't do this!

The bats fly out the windows.

MANNY  
Hey! Wait! Save us!

QUAKERMAN  
What was that all about?

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Minor delay, my Lord.

QUAKERMAN  
Right then, let's get on with it.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Yes, Sir!

Wilford Brimley pulls a lever.

FRANKLIN  
Damn it.

The Fruit Monks scream as they are dropped into the tanks.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

Chocula crawls along the ground, his body covered in  
smoldering blisters.

CHOCULA  
So...weak. Power...fading...

He rolls onto his back and takes out his canteen.

CHOCULA  
Must...rejuvenate.

He pulls the cap off and pours some corn syrup into his  
mouth. The moment he swallows, the blisters vanish.

CUE POPEYE THEME

Chocula jumps to his feet and flexes a set of bowling-ball  
sized biceps, then charges back to the castle.

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT

The ropes thrash around in the tanks as the submerged Fruit  
Monks struggle. Quakerman and Wilford Brimley watch.

QUAKERMAN  
Good work, Sir Brimley.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
It was the right thing to do.

QUAKERMAN  
This calls for a victory meal.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
I bet I can guess what's gonna be  
on the menu.

A marshmallow bat flies in carrying the canteen.

BAT  
I'm back!

QUAKERMAN  
The nuisance has returned!

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Goddamn it.

The bat flies over the tanks, pouring corn syrup into them.  
Wilford Brimley fires oat bran at the bat, but it  
outmaneuvers him and escapes, laughing all the way.

QUAKERMAN  
What's going on, Sir Brimley?

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
I don't know, but I don't like it!

The tanks start shaking. A blue mist emerges from the one  
holding Bob. It forms into BOO BERRY, holding a box of his  
namesake cereal.

BOO BERRY  
What's on the menu is a bowl of my  
delicious Boo Berry cereal!

QUAKERMAN  
What is this madness?!

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Goddamn it!

Wilford Brimley shoots oat bran at Boo Berry. The grain  
passes straight through him.

BOO BERRY  
You fool, I'm a ghost!

Boo Berry rips open the cereal box and shoves it in Wilford  
Brimley's face. Wilford Brimley swats the box away, gagging  
as cereal pieces fall out of his mouth.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Blagh! What is this shit?! It's  
way too damned sweet!

The other tanks topple over. Out of them lumber FRANKEN  
BERRY, FRUIT BRUTE, and YUMMY MUMMY, each holding boxes of  
their designated cereal.

FRANKEN BERRY  
He doesn't want to trifle with that  
blueberry nonsense. Clearly he's a  
strawberry man who needs a heaping  
helping of Franken Berry!

FRUIT BRUTE  
No! He should try the howling good  
taste of Fruuuit Brute!

YUMMY MUMMY  
But I'll make his tummy go yummy!  
Heh heh-heh.

QUAKERMAN  
My heavens! Protect me from these  
nightmare creatures, Sir Brimley!

Quakerman runs off. Wilford Brimley stands his ground.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
All right, you disgusting mutants.  
Let's dance.

Wilford Brimley tries to shoot his oat bran, but his  
moustache only manages to sputter.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Goddamn it! Your blueberry crap  
made my bran-shooters impotent!

BOO BERRY  
Try some more!

The cereal monsters grab Wilford Brimley.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Goddamn it-

Each monster proceeds to shove their cereal down his throat.

FRANKEN BERRY  
Franken Berry!

BOO BERRY  
Boo Berry!

FRUIT BRUTE  
Fruit Brute!

YUMMY MUMMY  
Yummy Mummy! Heh heh-heh!

Wilford Brimley stumbles back in a daze, choking from the  
force-feeding. He turns around and comes face-to-face with  
Chocula, who holds up a bowl of his own cereal.

CHOCULA  
Chocula.

Chocula smashes the bowl into Wilford Brimley's face.  
Wilford Brimley drops to the floor, his body convulsing and  
his eyes rolling back. He then goes still.

FRANKEN BERRY  
Is he dead?

Chocula leans over Wilford Brimley and sniffs.

CHOCULA  
He's in a diabetic coma.

BOO BERRY  
Hurray!

As the other cereal monsters do a celebratory dance, Chocula  
walks off to find Quakerman trembling in a corner.

QUAKERMAN  
P-please don't hurt me!

CHOCULA  
Looks like your name is Quakerman  
because you quake in your boots!

QUAKERMAN  
Where's Sir Brimley? Is...is he...

CHOCULA  
He's worse than dead. He has  
diabetes!

QUAKERMAN  
You monsters!

CHOCULA  
Exactly! And you're next!

QUAKERMAN  
No! Please! You can have your  
castle and your vanilla! Just let  
me go!

CHOCULA  
I don't care about vanilla anymore.  
I'm expanding my scope.

QUAKERMAN  
Fine! Anything!

CHOCULA  
I demand to be named the count of  
all the territories you've  
conquered, with any privileges I  
may care to have.

QUAKERMAN  
Okay, okay!

CHOCULA  
And the people of those territories  
will be allowed to put raisins in  
their oatmeal.

QUAKERMAN  
(dry-heaving)  
Wh...what?

CHOCULA  
I sense hesitation. Just for that,  
instead of raisins, it shall  
be...chocolate chips!

QUAKERMAN  
Noooooooo!

Quakerman's face melts like Major Toht's.

FRANKEN BERRY  
Look, the Prince killed Lord  
Quakerman!

FRUIT BRUTE  
Yay!

CHOCULA  
Yes! The power of chocolate is  
triumphant!

BOO BERRY  
Boo Berry is still the best cereal,  
though.

FRANKEN BERRY  
No! It's Franken Berry!

CHOCULA  
Need I remind you that chocolate  
just saved everything?!

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

As the cereal monsters continue arguing, the Alcocoamist  
watches them through a window. He turns to the CAMERA.

ALCOCOAMIST  
Let the games begi-

Wilford Brimley bursts through the wall, driving his fist  
into the Alcocoamist's back and out his chest.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
Burn in hell, sugary scum!

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL

The cereal monsters all jump back.

FRUIT BRUTE  
Oh no, he's awake!

Wilford Brimley lifts the Alcocoamist into the air, impaled  
on his arm.

ALCOCOAMIST  
No! A Brimley fist through the  
heart! The only thing that can  
kill meeeeeaaaagggggghhhhh!

The Alcocoamist gurgles as his body melts into a chocolate  
puddle on the ground. Wilford Brimley turns to the cereal  
monsters, his eyes glowing red.

WILFORD BRIMLEY  
I'm a hundred times stronger now  
thanks to the diaaabeeetuuus!

CHOCULA  
Shit!

YUMMY MUMMY  
Let's get out of here!

CHOCULA  
Everyone to the escape hatch!

The cereal monsters run off. Wilford Brimley throws his head  
back and lets out a T-Rex roar.

CUT TO TITLE CARD:

BRIMLEY UNTOLD


End file.
